Christmas! A time of giving. Stressful, ruthlessly competitive giving. Everyone dreads seeing their loved ones give the false, gawping, “It’s just what I’ve always wanted!” smile. This list is here to make sure you don’t need to sit through that kind of mild, festive humiliation. Maybe. Here’s a peek at 10 – yes, 10 – brilliant gift ideas, from high-end gizmos to cheap and cheerful crapola. Luke Hawkins guides you through his guide to festive happiness…
1.Beard Buddy Shaving Apron: £11.99, thepresentfinder.co.uk
Remarkably, man has survived for millennia without feeling the need to catch the teensy little bits of hair that float to the ground upon being liberated from its owner’s face. Still, only an outrageous killjoy decries the solution to a problem that doesn’t exist so here you have it – the Beard Buddy, a kind of man bib designed purely for the efficient collection of unwanted facial cast-offs. Quite what your average caveman would make of this development is anyone’s guess. On the plus side, the socially acceptable consumption of spaghetti bolognese just got a whole lot easier.
2.Slush Puppie Machine: £49.95,prezzybox.com
If you really think about it, flavoured ice almost certainly isn’t the way to go when you’re in the mood for a cool refreshment. I mean, what’s wrong with, for example, ice-cold beer or perfectly chilled Prosecco? And yet the humble Slush Puppie has, against the odds, endeared itself to the nation’s discerning children and backward-thinking adults as the freezing-cold imbibement of choice. Stay cool, people.
3.First Dates Adult Party Game: £16.99, iwantoneofthose.com
No, not THAT kind of adult party game. Honestly, get your mind out of the gutter. This one’s based on the ever popular Channel 4 reality show which stars that French maitre’d. Fred something.
4.100 Movies Scratch Off Bucket List: £14.99
If it was up to me this list would include Cocktail, Trainspotting, The Bourne Ultimatum and Whiplash. But the producers of this bucket list neglected to consult me on its contents so there’s every chance my all-time favourite flicks have been omitted. Their rightful place has doubtless been taken by a litany of impossibly dull ‘classics’ such as Dead Poets Society, Jaws and Ted 2. The object of this item is presumably to 1) watch the suggested movie then 2) scratch it off the list. Simples.
5.Student Hacks Book: £9.99 thepresentfinder.co.uk
Ever wanted to cheat, con and scam your way through further or higher education? Course not. And even if you did, this book of top tips – or ‘hacks’ if you will – wouldn’t be the answer. No, this wholesome publication contains only honest-to-goodness suggestions on how to get the best out of college or university life. It also promises to solve your everyday student dilemmas, such as whether or not to surface before midday.
6.OneZee Adults Fleece Xmas Onesie : £18.25-£22.98,amazon.co.uk
They’re the once-novelty Christmas present – and indeed the indispensable nightwear – that just won’t go away. And if you’re in the market for a onesie which takes an appropriately festive form then look no further. Reindeer, gingerbread men, Xmas trees, Santa himself – it’s all there. Except of course any sense of reason normally expected of an adult human.
7.Cozy Microwaveable Boots: £19.99, prezzybox.com
What’s that heating up in the microwave? Something for dinner? Hot chocolate? No. It’s footwear. Actual, wearable, fluffy footwear that I’m going to put on my feet. Scottish winters can be bitterly harsh, and sometimes socks or slippers just won’t cut it. These heatable, plush boots should keep your tootsies toasty.
8.Playstation Classic Mini Console: £89.99, very.com
As we find ourselves living in a time of unrivalled digital development and technological wonder, it turns out we think it’s rubbish. Instead, we would rather go back to a simpler time – the time of the first generation Playstation. A simple time of getting vengeance in Tekken 3 or getting vengeance in Final Fantasy VII or getting moto-vengeance in Ridge Racer. A simple time. A simple, vengeful time.
9. Unicorn Poop Bath Bomb: £5.99, notonthehighstreet.com
I mean…not to get all scatological here, but if you were to choose to bathe in the poop of any animal, fiction or non-fiction (in this case non-fiction), then unicorn probably isn’t a bad choice. This product either shows that there is something very wrong with people these days, or something very right with people these days.
10. Personalised Hot Heads: £14.99, firebox.com
Still keen to hug your ex-boyfriend in bed at night even though he callously dumped you and moved on months ago? (seriously unhealthy) Then this comforting festive treat has your name all over it my friend. Simply upload a good clear picture of any face you desire – yes, even THAT PIG – and the makers of this ingenous invention will gladly stick it on a microwaveable heatable bag guaranteed to warm up all occasions. As long as you pay them £14.99 plus delivery, that is.